Both Sides of the Equation
by beccazoe31
Summary: Wanda is still discovering things about her new body. Pet left some things behind-like the skills with arithmetic. But is that all there is for Wanda to discover in this new host. My Wanderer's Human Family Series just keeps growing.


Both Sides of the Equation

_(I don't own The Host or the movie or any of these characters. This fanfic is purely for my own enjoyment and the hopeful enjoyment of anyone who wants to read it.)_

_A/N: Well…I thought this was gonna be a trio of stories I called Wanda's Human Family (Apart, Part of Being Human and Plain Talk) but…these stories in this series just keep coming and I see no end in sight. Feedback please…do you nice peeps like this line I am taking our characters down? (or more accurately the path they are taking ME down?!)_

_PS: I had to change to first person on this one, like the book—cuz I just had to let Wanderer herself tell this story._

"So remember everything you do to one side of the equation you have to do to the other side," I told Jamie as I pointed out the terms we had just subtracted in the problem on the paper in front of us.

"Ok…that's simple…" he said as his pencil was busy in one hand and he ate a handful of grapes with the other.

It was lesson time in the Stryder Caverns and Jamie was sitting with me in the kitchen having a snack and doing mathematics homework. Jamie—and I- had discovered recently that I was a seemingly endless fountain of tips and tricks to make math easy. As I had told my sister Melanie—after waking in Pet's body a few weeks ago—it appeared Pet had left me 'a little present.'

Pet's Calling had been Reasoning. Among the Souls a person with that Calling—that gift—worked applying numbers, formulae and logic to solve problems, make machines work and generally make life better and easier. She had been incredibly talented at mathematics and a taste of those skills lingered in me after my insertion into this host. From the first day of my re-awakening, I Wanderer—never any better at computations than any other member of my species- had been able to use this new ability to do all sorts of complex problems with ease. It had all started with my computing my exact age in Earth years—to the utter delight of Mel and the rest of the family.

Jamie was almost finished with the three problems I had set for him—and a quick glance at his paper confirmed he had the right answers. I poured myself a fresh cup of tea and—deciding it was best to keep Jamie's momentum going—I started writing down a few, more advanced, problems.

Suddenly, I wasn't looking at algebra any more. Images. Lots of images.

In my mind. Pet. Doing math at her desk. Then…more images—memories of Pet going about her various occupations with numbers and problems… Something… had triggered some powerful memories.

And then…looking down…I saw the pencil in my own hand as I saw Pet's hand over her own pad of equations…

And…my hand again…pencil in hand…busily doing math on a pile of papers. Only…while it was my hand—it was not me…or Pet… doing the arithmetic. It was…

I dropped my tea cup spilling tea all over my papers. Jamie pulled back very quickly and neither of us was burned.

"Wanda…are you OK?"

I shook my head to clear it. What I had seen in my head was very, very disturbing. "I'm fine Jamie…are you alright?"

"Sure…not a drop on me. You?"

"Fine…all on the table."

"Hang on—I'll go get a dish cloth and wipe this up."

My writing pad was soaked. I picked it up and shook off as much of the spilled liquid as I could. And my eyes began to fill with tears. I felt the emotion spilling out of me just like the tea had spilled from my cup. And I knew I was not weeping over a three fourths empty pad of paper I could easily dry off—or replace from the box of such pads we had in storage.

"Jamie…" I said as he ran toward the prep area. "I'm going to go wash up…"

"Ok Wanda…I'll get this…"

As I walked away I was glad Jamie had not been aware of the emotional implosion that had just occurred inside me. I was glad he had rushed off and not seen my tears…or the look of profound sadness that I was sure was on my face.

I needed…to think. To have a moment to process what had happened and decide what I should do about it.

It only took me a few minutes…a very few minutes.

And I knew what I needed to do.

I walked to the edge of the burial grotto and stood, still as the stones around me for a moment in the brisk breeze. The temperature was dropping and my hastily chosen current attire was less than adequate against the chill of the approaching desert nightfall.

Before coming up here, I had washed up and had looked through my small collection of nicer clothing I wore on raids. Somehow, I felt this white cotton dress had been correct for this occasion.

It was as appropriate as I could manage. I had no outfits in black.

Bending over and scooping up a handful of soil and pebbles I looked out over the burial grotto and thought very carefully about what I wished to say. It was important to speak out loud. After a couple of deep breaths to get my emotions under some kind of control I started to speak.

"I'm sorry…

"I know I won't say the right things here…and nothing I say will change anything about how tragic this is. But I knew I had to do this. So many lives have come to an end and my kind are, without question, responsible for that.

"And having me…the person wearing your body…speaking for you…is terribly wrong and inappropriate. But –as my human family says—I'm all you've got. And I promise to do my best.

"You were erased and you ceased to be. And that was wrong. If I could change that, I would. I can't. But I can speak for you. And I can honor you as my human friends taught me.

"You were a very smart and very beautiful young woman. You were funny- and I don't remember much about your friends or your family—but I know you loved them…and all the people in your life loved you.

"You deserved to be loved—just as much as Pet and I deserve love. You deserve to be remembered. And now I do remember you. You deserve to be remembered by someone other than me…but…again…I am all there is…"

"That's not true, Wanda."

I should have guessed. Melanie. I can't keep anything from her. I think we still read each other's minds…even though now, our minds are separate. And…she wasn't alone.

My little human family was with her.

Ian, my beloved partner came up to my side and placed a hand ever so gently on my shoulder. Jamie was next in line and he slid to my other side and put one arm around me, resting his face against me. Mel just stood a couple of steps away with Jared and Jeb.

"Pet's host..?" my sister asked.

I nodded.

I could hear the anxiety in her voice. I could sense everyone's tension and concern in the silence that followed. It was almost as if they did not want to hear the answer to the question that was on all of their lips—but was finally, gratefully asked by Uncle Jeb: "Did she…wake up?"

I shook my head. "No…" I could hear the collective sigh from my family. Their relief seemed less than correct at a funeral. I should not have worried them like this…but I was—distracted.

"I was doing math with you Jamie…and some old memories of Pet's surfaced…and attached to those…"

"Were memories of the original host…?" This from Jared.

I nodded. "Her name was Alyson. Alyson Bennett. She was born in Oklahoma but her family moved to Seattle when she was eight. She was always—even at a young age—very good at math. That's why she was chosen as host to Petals Open to the Moon…

"Alyson was collected as a potential host at her school just a couple of years after our arrival. The mother had already been implanted and Alyson was the next logical choice in the family. After…she may have lasted a few hours… maybe a day or two after Pet was inserted into her…but it was over quickly nonetheless. Alyson was erased."

"Wanda…please stop. Don't do this to yourself…"

"Ian…I need to do this. Not for me. This is not about me or about guilt or my feeling I took a life. My people did that. Pet did that. We didn't erase this child out of malice…it is just who we are… who I have been…it almost happened to Melanie.

"I…almost erased Melanie…" I said and I couldn't hold the tears in any longer. I turned slightly and Ian took me in his arms. As I wept on his shoulder—as it seemed I was constantly doing of late-I felt Jamie still next to me and Mel, Jared and Jeb coming closer.

And then-as clear as normal speaking I suddenly heard Melanie's voice inside my head saying, _**"Wanderer…it didn't happen. You did not make me go away. I am right here…"**_

I looked up to see my adoptive sister looking right at me, her eyes shining, and her mouth utterly still. As I used to do when we shared the one head, I said, inside my mind, without voice, _**"Did we just..?"**_

"_**We did…"**_

"_**We need to talk about this."**_

"_**We will…"**_

The entire exchange took perhaps two seconds and no one but Melanie and I seemed to notice the amazing thing that had just happened—but since I lacked the space in my mind or my heart to deal with it…I put it away. But I would speak to my sister later...

"I'm sorry I worried all of you. I should have just spoken to all of you first—let you help me make sense of my feelings. I just needed to bring her here…to close her life in peace…to say something. To remember her. To tell her goodbye. And to thank her."

"Well let me help you now," said Jeb. He bent over and scooped up a handful of soil. Tossing it into the grotto he said in a clear voice: "Children should not die before their elders. But you Alyson didn't just fade away…your last act was to leave a gift behind. And we are grateful for that gift. Be at peace." The others had collected their handful of the mountain dirt and the tradition continued.

"Alyson…so many lost and their names gone too. You… we can remember. Every time we look at Wanda. Goodbye…and thank you…" Jared tossed his handful and turned to Mel.

"Your beauty and your talents are still here…and they will be appreciated every day. Bless you child." Mel's words and her handful of soil followed Jared's and she touched my face gently as she took Jamie's place at my side, grasping my hand.

"Thank you is not enough for this legacy you have left to my safekeeping. I won't let you down Alyson. You can rest easy." Ian looked at me as he spoke and sent his handful after the rest.

Jamie was last and he looked at me then into the grotto. "It's all about math. Alyson would understand that…"

We looked at him unsure of where his reasoning was taking him.

"Wanda…your host died but you're alive. She is lost but you are found. Her life ended in love…and your new life began and continues with love. And a Soul took her away…and another Soul gave her this special time to be remembered. You didn't kill her but how many lives have you saved…? Don't you see…?"

I shook my head.

"It balances. The equation is equal on both sides…"

Our little funeral for my host ended and we returned to our mountain hideaway. Jared made us a pot of tea and we all sat in the kitchen and I told my family the small amount I had gleaned from Pet's scant memories of Alyson Bennett. It didn't take more than half an hour. But—despite the pain I felt because of the sudden insights that had come to me about her—I was glad I knew something…even if it was this little bit.

And life and love went on. And me, Wanderer, lived on in the body of my lost, and mourned, host.

Maybe Jamie was right. I can't undo what has already been done. But I can keep trying…I can keep living and doing whatever I can to make things as right as possible for everyone—my Soul kin and my human family. I can keep working toward the day when maybe, just maybe…all the living beings on this planet can enjoy life and love…going on…together…

Until then…I'll work with all my heart…until the equation is as equal as is possible on both sides…

I promise Alyson…


End file.
